A complete and modern guide to being the Slayer
by MorganWritesAndStuff
Summary: A future Slayer who remains unnamed gives a sarcastic and potty mouthed version of a "Dummies guide to slaying." Also, I address annoyances I've found in *many* Buffy Fics. R&R Please :


Title: A complete and modern guide to being the Slayer; Otherwise known as "Everything you've ever wanted to know about being the Chosen One, but were too afraid to ask."

Rating: T- there are *swears*! Le gasp!

Length; Undetermined

Fic Type: Humor

Summery; A future Slayer (who remains unnamed) gives a sarcastic and potty mouthed version of a "Dummies guide to slaying."-Also I address some of my personal annoyances I've noticed in *many* Buffy fics.

AN; So I know it's been 5ever (dats moar than4ever) since you've heard from me, dear readers. I'm reaaaaaally sorry. But I've been busy(:  
I promise I haven't abandoned any of my stories.

Oh, and if you want to keep up with me a little more, I made an author twitter!

Follow me HeyMorganWrites

Watch me on youtube too! You can find me by searching " AsTimeSlipsBy Oh it's Morgan"

I vlog…albeit irregularly.

Email me:

Disclaimer; OMG guys, it's been so long, I almost FORGOT to disclaim! I don't own Buffy :/ But I do have my own vampire slaying kit. SO BRING IT CULLENS(; lolz

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**A complete and modern guide to being the Slayer;**

**Otherwise known as "Everything you've ever wanted to know about being the Chosen One, but were too afraid to ask."**

**Being the Slayer?**

Not really all it's cracked up to be. I mean, sure, being "one girl in all the world to stand in the face of darkness" has its perks, but after you get your ass kicked a few times the novelty of it wears off .

Oh, and trust me, you get your ass kicked. A lot.

**Slayer healing?**

Not as great as you'd think. It freakin' hurts. Broken ribs and bones pop back into place. Hurts like a bitch.

Cuts and stab wounds? Burn and itch like shit as they knit themselves back together. It takes longer than you'd think, too, normally a couple days. It's faster than a normal human, but still.

**Basically everything you've read in a supernatural "romance" novel is false.**

Next, you need to drop your little Edward Cullen Sparklepire daydreams right now. Vampires don't fucking sparkle. The freaking end. They are bad dudes. You won't fall in love with one and live happily ever after. He will eat you. And not in the good way, Ladies.

And if you do manage to find yourself an undead boyfriend, the relationship won't last long enough to for you to worry about a little hybrid-demon-loch ness bundle of joy. You do stand a better chance of being turned, though. However, it won't be "true lurv 4eva". Sorry to burst your bubble.

As a fledgling, you have a few fates.

Minion, where you do the shit jobs no one else will do for your sire and everyone older than you.

Plaything- you get passed around, and then killed when they get bored.

Or door number three, where you get dusted by the next Lil Miss Slays-Alot who replaced you.

I'm not psychic or anything-I have enough freaky shit going on, thank you very much- but your future? Not looking so good, Cupcake.

Now, what was I going to say?

**Oh right-Slayer senses.**

You have them, and they're damn useful in a fight, but they make you act like a complete nut job most of the time around normal people.

Like when a friend covers your eyes from behind and says "Guess who?".

The normal reaction would be to guess a name.

However, your reaction will be to kick their ass.

And those "Tinglies" you get on the back of your neck-incase you haven't figured it out, which means you might be an utter moron, but hey, this job doesn't require that many brains, so it's all good- means there's a resident undead roaming nearby. Like I said earlier, good in a fight but friggen annoying when you're trying to sleep or concentrate.

**Continuing your social life?**

Oh, and speaking of sleep, you're not really going to get that much of it from now on. Yeah, when you're up all night killing things you tend to accumulate bags under your eyes.

And if you're trying to stay in school?

Well, bully for you, but it's rather a waste of time at this point. It's not like this job has a 401k or a retirement plan. This is your gig for life. No passing go, do not collect that $200. But if you want to waste what valuable time you do have, then by all means, go on writing papers and attending pep rallies when you should be training, sleeping, or patrolling.

Being the slayer makes keeping your friends/relationship hard. A secret this big is hard to keep, and even if you tell them, they won't believe you.

"**But I just wanna be a normal teenage girl!"**

Buck up, Buttercup. That shit's cut and dried now. It's over and done, so stop your whining and listen up. Guess what? You're going to die. You always were, even before you pulled the short straw with this slayer nonsense. Now it's just going to be a lot sooner. You have an expiration date, and most likely it's not very far off. You need to make your peace and deal with it. Thousands of slayers have died doing what we do, and if you're reading this, that means I'm dead too.

The best advice I could give you?

Get over it. Accept it, and live what life you do have to the fullest.

**Next topic… Your Watcher and You.**

You need to trust your watcher. No, really, stop laughing and shut up.

Obviously, you should know this, but apparently, some slayers are morons and think they know more about this shit than they really do.

So if that's you, I'm gunna break this down into easy moron-speak.

Watcher= good.

You listen to your Watcher= You live longer.

They do all the research.

They do all kinds of handy magic voodoo.

They get the lowdown on when bad shit's going down and they tell you how to stop it.

And sometimes, if you divert something particularly apocolipsy, you get a cookie.

Just kidding.

Anyway, I know what you're thinking. They talk in funny accents, wear entirely to much tweed, have bizarre slang, are always trying to make you drink tea, and are quoting obscure books you could care less about. But they mean well. And I mean, it is their job to keep you alive, so you know, they know what they're doing.

When Wells,-my watcher, Wellington Summerby- asked me to write this, he wanted a sort of "how to" guide, I think, with emphasis on the "Watcher-Slayer" relationship.

So hold on to your stakes, Ladies, because I'm about to emphasize.

Your watcher is now the closest and most important person in your life. You are the most important person to them, and vice versa.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THEY ARE YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND.

God, I think I just threw up a little. That's frickin' disgusting. I wouldn't even mention it, except it apparently TOTTALY HAPPENED.

My watcher isn't even old/unattractive, and I would never go there. Barf. (No offense, Wells.)

Your watcher is now the closest thing you have to a parental figure.

And now, I'm apparently supposed to tell you to " always respect your watcher and obey without hesitation."

Blah, Blah, Blah.

Odds are you didn't do that for your parents, so whatever.

Now I'm supposed to write out some common sense rules about slaying.

Because obviously, the watchers think we are all mentally retarded.

**Appropriate Slaying Attire.**

Now, I like to look good just like the next girl, and thanks to this slayer gig, we look pretty hot.

But Patrols and Slaying is not the time to be dressed like you're about to go clubbing. It's a cute skirt, hun, but the evil undead don't need to see your vagina. Also, the heels need to stay in the closet. I would recommend combat boots, or converse/running shoes as your go to footwear. You're gunna be kicking teeth in and chasing stuff, and you need to be able to move freely.

Which brings us to our next point. Clothes need to be loose enough to move in, but tight enough you don't trip/ are grabbed.

Don't wear jewelry. It'll get lost/broken/and or ripped off you.

You should also invest in ponytail holders. Lots of them. Your hair gets in the way, so if you're not too vain, I would just chop it off short.

**Safety advice to keep you alive.**

Don't let them know where you live. Basic, but you'd be surprised how many people don't even think about this.

Never, EVER,EVER invite ANYONE in. (don't have a "welcome" mat. It's as good as a personal invite.)

Keep a stake on you at all times.

This whole "slayer" thing is a secret for a reason; Keep it that way.

LISTEN TO YOUR FREAKING WATCHER.

Never let something chase you into unfamiliar territory. Know your surroundings at all times. Explore during the daylight too.

Don't try to clean out a nest by yourself. Bring a friend. One who is qualified.

Follow these rules, and hell, you might last a little longer.

Best of luck.

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Endnote;

Whatcha think? Should I continue? Alrights, leave the reviews please. *Poutyface* By the way, it's mah birthday(: So gives me reviews as prezzies?

Oh, again;

I made an author twitter!

Follow me HeyMorganWrites

Watch me on you tube too! You can find me by searching " AsTimeSlipsBy Oh it's Morgan"

I vlog…albeit irregularly.

Email me:

Okay, bye guys (:


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